AND ANOTHER DROID by THE CHAUVINIST

I know someone who drys his socks in a microwave oven,he isnt particularly disgusting.Infact he has a separate container for the purpose.But i don't think thats what they make microwave ovens for.Its exactly the case with phones these days.

A friend of mine who has just bought a phone for a price that made my eyes pop out,claims that its not just a phone but a smartphone.He said it could capture high resolution pictures, store upto a hundred thousand songs ,help you navigate back home even if you were a lil too drunk and a lot of other features that were told to me probably in minion language.

FIrst off,I clearly do not get how or why a phone should have any of these features!Its a phone for heaven sake!Graham bell made the damn thing to make calls.He clearly didn't want a device to listen to music or take pictures,because as far as he was concerned he had a camera and a gramophone.

I happened to meet someone else with yet another fancy phone that looked the same (but not as expensive) as my first fancy phone friends phone.He started to boast about his phone too and to my utter surprise,it had much of all the features as my first fancy phone friends phone.
When I pointed this out,my fancy phone friend told me that all these phones shared the same platform/operating system and were available in various sizes and prices.He also said that all these phone users could get about a million different applications on their devices.These applications were particularly amusing. When one could tell you what your baby was crying for,the other acted as a  mosquito repellent and another one would tell you when you had to use the restroom and the list had 3 less than a million more to offer!
This wasn't making sense to me.It sounded like Rolls Royce offering mid size economy class cars with or without air conditioning, roll down windows ,push back seats and a cassette player .

I thought they must be real tech savvy people unlike me,because one just wouldn't  spend so much on a device if it wasn't of utility.So i started to observe their phone usage patterns.They definitely were using the music player,but out of the hundred thousand songs,all they listened to were about 100 tracks.The camera,both front and back where used to click pictures for Facebook when it could actually be blown up to billboard size pictures.Out of the million apps that were installed on the device,the only ones being used were a text messenger and an alarm clock.The battery hardly lasted for 8 hours even with an app called battery saver.

My phone doesn't have a music player, radio,camera,gps,internet or anything fancy because i have devices that serve these purposes.My phone is dual sim,can save unto 500 contacts,it has an alarm function,has around 10 ringtones including yankee doodle and jingle bells and it is has a very good built quality because it works even though my cousins drop it  every time they play "catch catch"(i dont mean an app)with it and the battery lasts for about 4 days!
My fancy phone friend thinks i should get the latest version of the fancy phone that he bought a month back.The only difference i could spot in the new fancy phone was an alphabet added to the end of the predecessors name and a heavier price tag.
I really don't think i'l get a smartphone!I'm more than happy being just a smart guy with a phone.


Cheers!
Chauvinist

FEAR! MY DEAR! by THE CHAUVINIST

Anatidaephobia is a word I found while skimming through the dictionary the other day.Particularly interesting because I have a fear as amusing as Anatidaephobia which has however,not found its way into the Oxford dictionary.

I'm 21,have a license,but don't drive,nor do i wish to.This helps me lead a wonderful life without having to give up on the half a dozen 'last' drinks at a party or finding a parking slot at the movies or even bothering about what the italian and her puppet have decided about the fuel prices.

Riding the bus or taking the train are thus the only options i'm left with.

My phobia kicks in soon as i hop onto a bus or a train!

                                                                                                                                                                          

The phobia of my co-passenger puking on me!My mind gets unnecessarily creative and goes onto visualize the act from a Wide,Mid,Close up and extreme closeup angles!It doesn't stop there,but goes on to detail the color and the content as well.The visual keeps happening like a Justin Bieber music track on loop mode!

What does one do if he or she is puked on?

I was able to find remedies for Anatidaephobia because some chicken,convinced about a duck watching,went on to convince other chickens,came up with a term and even got it printed in dictionaries!all chickens!

With billions of commuters worldwide taking trains and buses,its hard to believe that not a single twerp has the same phobia as I!

Vomit,puke,throw up,barf -all mean the same,but they still came up with 3 additional words,like they had leftovers in the bowl from which they were drawing words!!Those oafs making words probably knew how to drive and didn't take buses because  there isn't a term for my phobia !It makes no sense at all! they came up with Anatidaephobia!When was the last time you ever saw a duck without sauce all over and a knife and fork to its sides?

I took to scaring people with my theory of puking co passengers.It was picking up,but needed a name/word for limelight.A friend of mine took up the task.He finally texted me at midnight on Thursday ,The 12th.The text read -'Copassengerpukingphobia',i started to tremble and sweat,i couldn't sleep that night! i was wrong about it being paraskavedekatriaphobia,it was hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia.

Cheers!

Chauvinist

Pink me.Wait.Damn.Ping me. by the Chauvinist

Every time i get an email,i pop it up and read it from the bottom of the page.I do not really  get any exciting PS messages as such. Infact the only time i was enlivened by  one was when my Boss sent me an email 15 days prior to my pay day in which the PS said that my month's salary was credited to my bank account.The excitement depleted away as i scrolled up the page and read the header "Termination letter".
Reading an email from the bottom of a page lets you live longer.Not that i have any renowned University statistics to prove my statement right, but then, you do not need proof when u have instinct.
If its one of those emails that threatens the reader to sent it to 10 other people in 10 minutes or turn impotent and die in a road accident the coming week,I'd simply hit the 'move to trash' button.The funda is,unless and until you've read the mail,the curse doesn't really apply to you.
With all my unhealthy habits,I'm sure I'll be able to attend funerals of all the lads i know who hit the gym every morning and read their emails top to bottom.

With Facebook being vogue,the no. of deadly messages being sent to me was on the fall and i was starting to read mails from the top.However,for me,Facebook photo tags supplanted these FWD messages.I wasn't really bothered until my crush,who considered me to be a super-cool fellow looked me up on it and stalked my photographs.She was hoping to see me with my friends,me at a party,me at some sports,me looking cool,me looking hot and what not.But all she ended up finding was roses,dogs,cats,pink thong,peoples' crotch and my name being tagged onto a million things i wasn't even related to in any of the lives' iv had so far(except for a pair of floral boxers i actually owned).This wasn't however the reason as to why she stopped talking to me.When browsing through my photographs,she figured out that a lot of guys had tagged me in their portraits and display pictures,quite a few in which they were even shirtless,showing off the abs or whatever.
These where men who were thanking me for clicking those photographs or simply asking me to check them out. When a man compliments a man,its manly,but when a shirtless man compliments a man who likes wearing florals ,its clearly misunderstood.

It was around this time that i decided to get a tablet for myself.It was fun.I could work on it,watch movies,check my email,make phone calls and what not.My friend was boasting about how he got to know about all the offers in town through text messages.I decided to give it a shot and activated this fancy thing with my service provider that let me know on hot deals.
5 minutes into activation,i received the first message.Clicking it open i was shown pictures of fancy lingerie that was being offered at half price.Next i received a message about how i had won a million dollars from a KEEP DREAMING YOU MORON incorporated.Following it up, i was asked to send $2000 as processing fee in order to get the prize money.I reverted with a message asking them to keep half the money and send me the latter.That was however the last piece of communication from their side even though i cut my share down to $2000.I didn't stoop below that,I have what they call dignity.
Then i started receiving messages from a spa.They kept sending me messages for over a week stating that i could avail special discounts for some late night  Male to Male massage.This i assume was sent to me by someone who had checked my Facebook account.
Then there was 'whatsapp'. This i found to be fun.You could text people,send them pictures,music and videos for free!Great idea!but the lad who came up with it also squeezed in an option for people to know whether the messages'  sent 've been received and when the user was last seen online.This was a very annoying feature.People would call up just to ask why there wasn't any reply for the last lame joke that was sent an hour past midnight.That's like a call centre guy asking why you don't want their "Flash Blue Side String".-You ought to Google that!

Cheers!
The Chauvinist.

PETER PETER PUMPKIN EATER by the feminist

a very happy new year! I know I’m late in wishing you all but cut me some slack because it was my birthday and I was a little busy celebrating it. And I am really glad that I wasn’t born in the era of my grandmother because then this would have been the birthday rhyme for me; “the child that is born on the Sabbath day is bonny and blithe, and good and gay.” Umm… a little awkward right? Thank god I was born in the 21^st century.

 I was just wondering what changes this year is going to bring about in the English language since it was already hard enough for me with all the abbreviated texts floating about. Needless to say, me being technically retarded had a very hard time comprehending half of those messages. But I finally caught on with the ‘rly shrt wrds’ messages and was starting to feel a little proud of myself when suddenly, I realized that we are entering into a new year with probably even more terrifying torturous things being done to slaughter the English language. But I won’t blame our generation for it. It has been done ever since the Shakespearean era. And the grammarians are trying to lure us back into using the original words. But why change back to the original words? Why bother with stodgy grammar when the new words are cool and free right?

These days, due to all the constant changes in grammar and words, I often don’t know whether to use who or whom, or write shall or will. I guess I don’t care anymore. Just say the words with confidence and give the ‘dude, you’re so old-fashioned’ look to anyone who tries to play a critic. even Shakespeare did not know when he wrote the line “ whan that Aprill with his shoures soote…” that it would because of the modern corruption become “ when april comes with the showers sweet… “

 But we cool dudes are also going to be using outdated words in the coming years. That’s the magic of this language and soon even the nursery rhymes we are so fond of will need footnotes to be understood by the new generation kids. You think you can change the trend? LOL! 

Feminist :)

SCHOOL,YOU FOOL! by the Chauvinist

One cannot reason with a 1st grader who has failed his english dictation because there still isn't a logic as to why the word 'ball' is not spelled B-O-L-L.You could convince a first grader to believe  that he or she is too young to understand the funda, but trust me at about 24,even after having crowned yourself with that graduation hat,you'd still be wondering why its not B-O-L-L.

It ain't surprising as to why folks tend to be gravitated to Americanism.They are quite humble,at least when it comes to spellings.

If not for their bread,the French would've been persecuted for the hardships they've given the english speaking community.The British are obstinate about not simplifying things.

The system of schooling here in india (apparently inspired by the british one )is like parrot astrology-the parrot has no clue of what its doing and the astrologer has no clue of what he's saying.

Here,a kid has to turn 21 to drink,smoke and the worst of all marry.However,at the age of 15 when he hasn't even had his molars pop up is when he has to decide what he wants to be 15 years later down in his life.Not that the molars would make much of a difference but it must be for some reason that they call it wisdom tooth in school.

An 8th  grade kid here can build a complete sentence without any spelling mistakes ,but be assured that the grammar is not a tad bit right! 

It is in popular trend to send kids to english medium schools headed by the Central Board as against the state run schools that employ  the regional language as the medium of instruction.The irony of the matter is,the people who go to these prestigious CB schools neither know english nor the regional language properly. There are kids who can spell Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis without having to google it like most of us,but whats the point if he or she cannot read the time off a simple wall clock.

That twerp who crafted the current form of schooling in India needs some good spanking and has to be put through school once again in some country where education is aimed at creating a niche for  intellectual thinking and growth rather than making kids solve Pythagorus theorem before they aren't even old enough to have stopped peeing in their pants.For all you know,Pythagorus himself hadn't used the theory for any purpose.

Language and math are the subjects of utmost importance.You are never asked to write or speak your thoughts in school.All you end up writing is what some blooming idiot thought of whatever poem he had written some million years ago when the only source of entertainment probably was writing .Do they teach you to handle arithmetic well?Oh boy!you've gotta spend time on adding , subtracting,multiplying and dividing when you have people who've wasted the whole of their lives inventing something called a calculator!Its not the ability to analyze a problem that you are graded for,but breaking your head over something that a machine can do a thousand times faster than you and laugh at you while you are at it!

Those theories that you've probably spent sleepless nights to mug up couldn't entirely be useless.They could come into play sometime or the other,at least when you have to teach kids of your own.The question is whether you'd  recall that bunch of X's and Y's that are to be added onto some other value guarded inside brackets that are again of two or three types when you cannot remember the name of your crush in high school!

Today,when you can ask that lady enslaved into your iPhone to find an answer to anything including whether the world would end by 2012 and expect a logical answer,one really can't see how a textbook with illustrations as old as that of the pictographs by men of the neolithic period in Mesopotamia can help kids decipher as complex a concept as an engine.You really cannot do a thing about the system that printed and glued into high school textbooks Einsteins' speech criticizing the system of education prevalent .If the man was alive,he certainly would've committed suicide for this reason alone!

However,I cannot say i haven't learnt anything at all in school.If it wasn't for 14 years of schooling,i wouldn't have learnt 5 different methods of knotting a tie.But again,my field of work doesn't require a tie to be worn.

Cheers! 

The Chauvinist!

THANK GOD I'M AN ATHEIST! by the Chauvinist

I wanted to punch Tom in the face for what he had done.I didnt.My mom had taught me that one has to be nice to people and if we aint God would punish us.I didnt know what exactly he was going to do with tom,but i was sure it was going to be nothing less than grilling him on coal or feeding him to crocodiles.I watched the same Tom come to school for the next 3 years and go away to the US after his dad found a job there.
Initially,i was confused as to why God hadnt done anything to tommy, only later to figure out that his god was tall and had a beard as to mine who was blue in color and roamed around with a flute.I convinced myself that tom wasnt a part of my gods' jurisdiction.
I thought something like a pact between the two would be a bright idea.Something like exchange of prisoners of war sort of thing.

My friend Mohammad had no clue as to what his god looked like.I asked him if it  was the guy in the beard or the blue guy with a flute, he looked dumbstruck.He always did.
I shared my stuff with people,i watched less tv and i did my lessons well too while my friends watched too much cartoon and didnt share stuff.I was sure that they were going to regret it.Months passed without anything happening to them.Ofcourse,the teacher used to make them stand outside class for not completing homework,but then at the end of the day they'd get away without completing homework or attending the boring class.This i found to be unfair.

I made all attempts to meet god.I looked him up in the attic after hearing people in the house claiming everyday about someone from above watching.I checked them up on facebook too.Though i found a lot of men with the name,none of them were the color i was looking for.
This was about the time i started to have my doubts on the existence of god,i nor anybody i've ever known had met the man.I still had faith.until i got my math exam results.I had prayed to half a dozen gods whose pictures were hung onto the wall at home.According to my math,i was hoping to be one of the toppers.I was supposed to do my half and god was to take care of the rest.I hadnt done mine,but i had prayed to 6 of them.My math was bad.In both cases.

Being an atheist i must admit,is pretty cool.All you have to do is avoid or maybe just classify "OMG" to be a figure of speech.People take you to be some sort of a genius if your an atheist.You can do what you want to,for people dont consider you to have a morale whatsoever!

You can call yourself a logical person even if you dont have much of the uncommon common sense.Its like walking around with a license to kill.However,if one decides to turn into an
atheist,he is most likely to be tagged a communist too.Every communist could be an atheist,but i dont think the reverse quite works.But,its like that Kinder Joy chocolate,you cannot possibly get the chocolate or the toy seperately!
If an atheist decides to grow a beard and have long hair,hed be labelled a hippy.And if by any chance,the bloke is an artist he'd be called a druggie too.

Being an atheist and an artist,my parents are really worried as to how i would raise a kid.Im not really bothered.I dont think il even find a woman in the first place,but my parents,faith i'd say.Fate i mean!

Cheers :)
The Chauvinist

THE CHAUVINIST - by The Feminist

Everything happens for reason. And I have finally figured the reason out. It’s to piss me off! My future seems bleak and all my plans seem to be directionless at the moment. I have no money and no humorous friends around to keep me company. And the weather here is so hot that I might as well be living in a green house mansion. No matter how many inspirational quotes and philosophical books I read, I just can’t seem to make any sense out of them. So my dear readers, I have chosen you to listen to all my endless ranting, for I know you won’t judge me. For the very simple reason that you don’t know me.

And in these moments of utter loneliness and depression, I realized that I have spent 20 years of my life learning how to impress strangers, being nice to them and trying to prove to them how nice I am, I forgot to impress the most important person in my life -  me.

But you see the problem is, after so many years of ignoring me, how the hell do I start loving me? And this is where comes into my life a guy who proudly claims to be a male chauvinist. This person would without fail let you pay whole of the bill without even pretending to be a gentleman which in itself defies the law that has been in action from the time of the ancient Greek gods! This person would blame you for global warming just because you use more than one bucket of water to take bath each day! (if one of you can, please do explain to me how these two things are connected!!! O.0 )  This person would argue with you about everything and everything because annoying you is his one and only means of entertainment.

And amidst all this fighting and trying to defend myself, I realize that I am actually capable of seeing a brighter side of me and that it makes me learn more about myself. So all of these male chauvinists might look like smelly fishes, but beneath all the scales, there lies a truly noble sentiment. Whether they know it or not,  still needs to be researched upon. 

The feminist!