Pink me.Wait.Damn.Ping me. by the Chauvinist

Every time i get an email,i pop it up and read it from the bottom of the page.I do not really  get any exciting PS messages as such. Infact the only time i was enlivened by  one was when my Boss sent me an email 15 days prior to my pay day in which the PS said that my month's salary was credited to my bank account.The excitement depleted away as i scrolled up the page and read the header "Termination letter".
Reading an email from the bottom of a page lets you live longer.Not that i have any renowned University statistics to prove my statement right, but then, you do not need proof when u have instinct.
If its one of those emails that threatens the reader to sent it to 10 other people in 10 minutes or turn impotent and die in a road accident the coming week,I'd simply hit the 'move to trash' button.The funda is,unless and until you've read the mail,the curse doesn't really apply to you.
With all my unhealthy habits,I'm sure I'll be able to attend funerals of all the lads i know who hit the gym every morning and read their emails top to bottom.

With Facebook being vogue,the no. of deadly messages being sent to me was on the fall and i was starting to read mails from the top.However,for me,Facebook photo tags supplanted these FWD messages.I wasn't really bothered until my crush,who considered me to be a super-cool fellow looked me up on it and stalked my photographs.She was hoping to see me with my friends,me at a party,me at some sports,me looking cool,me looking hot and what not.But all she ended up finding was roses,dogs,cats,pink thong,peoples' crotch and my name being tagged onto a million things i wasn't even related to in any of the lives' iv had so far(except for a pair of floral boxers i actually owned).This wasn't however the reason as to why she stopped talking to me.When browsing through my photographs,she figured out that a lot of guys had tagged me in their portraits and display pictures,quite a few in which they were even shirtless,showing off the abs or whatever.
These where men who were thanking me for clicking those photographs or simply asking me to check them out. When a man compliments a man,its manly,but when a shirtless man compliments a man who likes wearing florals ,its clearly misunderstood.

It was around this time that i decided to get a tablet for myself.It was fun.I could work on it,watch movies,check my email,make phone calls and what not.My friend was boasting about how he got to know about all the offers in town through text messages.I decided to give it a shot and activated this fancy thing with my service provider that let me know on hot deals.
5 minutes into activation,i received the first message.Clicking it open i was shown pictures of fancy lingerie that was being offered at half price.Next i received a message about how i had won a million dollars from a KEEP DREAMING YOU MORON incorporated.Following it up, i was asked to send $2000 as processing fee in order to get the prize money.I reverted with a message asking them to keep half the money and send me the latter.That was however the last piece of communication from their side even though i cut my share down to $2000.I didn't stoop below that,I have what they call dignity.
Then i started receiving messages from a spa.They kept sending me messages for over a week stating that i could avail special discounts for some late night  Male to Male massage.This i assume was sent to me by someone who had checked my Facebook account.
Then there was 'whatsapp'. This i found to be fun.You could text people,send them pictures,music and videos for free!Great idea!but the lad who came up with it also squeezed in an option for people to know whether the messages'  sent 've been received and when the user was last seen online.This was a very annoying feature.People would call up just to ask why there wasn't any reply for the last lame joke that was sent an hour past midnight.That's like a call centre guy asking why you don't want their "Flash Blue Side String".-You ought to Google that!

Cheers!
The Chauvinist.

PETER PETER PUMPKIN EATER by the feminist

a very happy new year! I know I’m late in wishing you all but cut me some slack because it was my birthday and I was a little busy celebrating it. And I am really glad that I wasn’t born in the era of my grandmother because then this would have been the birthday rhyme for me; “the child that is born on the Sabbath day is bonny and blithe, and good and gay.” Umm… a little awkward right? Thank god I was born in the 21^st century.

 I was just wondering what changes this year is going to bring about in the English language since it was already hard enough for me with all the abbreviated texts floating about. Needless to say, me being technically retarded had a very hard time comprehending half of those messages. But I finally caught on with the ‘rly shrt wrds’ messages and was starting to feel a little proud of myself when suddenly, I realized that we are entering into a new year with probably even more terrifying torturous things being done to slaughter the English language. But I won’t blame our generation for it. It has been done ever since the Shakespearean era. And the grammarians are trying to lure us back into using the original words. But why change back to the original words? Why bother with stodgy grammar when the new words are cool and free right?

These days, due to all the constant changes in grammar and words, I often don’t know whether to use who or whom, or write shall or will. I guess I don’t care anymore. Just say the words with confidence and give the ‘dude, you’re so old-fashioned’ look to anyone who tries to play a critic. even Shakespeare did not know when he wrote the line “ whan that Aprill with his shoures soote…” that it would because of the modern corruption become “ when april comes with the showers sweet… “

 But we cool dudes are also going to be using outdated words in the coming years. That’s the magic of this language and soon even the nursery rhymes we are so fond of will need footnotes to be understood by the new generation kids. You think you can change the trend? LOL! 

Feminist :)

SCHOOL,YOU FOOL! by the Chauvinist

One cannot reason with a 1st grader who has failed his english dictation because there still isn't a logic as to why the word 'ball' is not spelled B-O-L-L.You could convince a first grader to believe  that he or she is too young to understand the funda, but trust me at about 24,even after having crowned yourself with that graduation hat,you'd still be wondering why its not B-O-L-L.

It ain't surprising as to why folks tend to be gravitated to Americanism.They are quite humble,at least when it comes to spellings.

If not for their bread,the French would've been persecuted for the hardships they've given the english speaking community.The British are obstinate about not simplifying things.

The system of schooling here in india (apparently inspired by the british one )is like parrot astrology-the parrot has no clue of what its doing and the astrologer has no clue of what he's saying.

Here,a kid has to turn 21 to drink,smoke and the worst of all marry.However,at the age of 15 when he hasn't even had his molars pop up is when he has to decide what he wants to be 15 years later down in his life.Not that the molars would make much of a difference but it must be for some reason that they call it wisdom tooth in school.

An 8th  grade kid here can build a complete sentence without any spelling mistakes ,but be assured that the grammar is not a tad bit right! 

It is in popular trend to send kids to english medium schools headed by the Central Board as against the state run schools that employ  the regional language as the medium of instruction.The irony of the matter is,the people who go to these prestigious CB schools neither know english nor the regional language properly. There are kids who can spell Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis without having to google it like most of us,but whats the point if he or she cannot read the time off a simple wall clock.

That twerp who crafted the current form of schooling in India needs some good spanking and has to be put through school once again in some country where education is aimed at creating a niche for  intellectual thinking and growth rather than making kids solve Pythagorus theorem before they aren't even old enough to have stopped peeing in their pants.For all you know,Pythagorus himself hadn't used the theory for any purpose.

Language and math are the subjects of utmost importance.You are never asked to write or speak your thoughts in school.All you end up writing is what some blooming idiot thought of whatever poem he had written some million years ago when the only source of entertainment probably was writing .Do they teach you to handle arithmetic well?Oh boy!you've gotta spend time on adding , subtracting,multiplying and dividing when you have people who've wasted the whole of their lives inventing something called a calculator!Its not the ability to analyze a problem that you are graded for,but breaking your head over something that a machine can do a thousand times faster than you and laugh at you while you are at it!

Those theories that you've probably spent sleepless nights to mug up couldn't entirely be useless.They could come into play sometime or the other,at least when you have to teach kids of your own.The question is whether you'd  recall that bunch of X's and Y's that are to be added onto some other value guarded inside brackets that are again of two or three types when you cannot remember the name of your crush in high school!

Today,when you can ask that lady enslaved into your iPhone to find an answer to anything including whether the world would end by 2012 and expect a logical answer,one really can't see how a textbook with illustrations as old as that of the pictographs by men of the neolithic period in Mesopotamia can help kids decipher as complex a concept as an engine.You really cannot do a thing about the system that printed and glued into high school textbooks Einsteins' speech criticizing the system of education prevalent .If the man was alive,he certainly would've committed suicide for this reason alone!

However,I cannot say i haven't learnt anything at all in school.If it wasn't for 14 years of schooling,i wouldn't have learnt 5 different methods of knotting a tie.But again,my field of work doesn't require a tie to be worn.

Cheers! 

The Chauvinist!

THANK GOD I'M AN ATHEIST! by the Chauvinist

I wanted to punch Tom in the face for what he had done.I didnt.My mom had taught me that one has to be nice to people and if we aint God would punish us.I didnt know what exactly he was going to do with tom,but i was sure it was going to be nothing less than grilling him on coal or feeding him to crocodiles.I watched the same Tom come to school for the next 3 years and go away to the US after his dad found a job there.
Initially,i was confused as to why God hadnt done anything to tommy, only later to figure out that his god was tall and had a beard as to mine who was blue in color and roamed around with a flute.I convinced myself that tom wasnt a part of my gods' jurisdiction.
I thought something like a pact between the two would be a bright idea.Something like exchange of prisoners of war sort of thing.

My friend Mohammad had no clue as to what his god looked like.I asked him if it  was the guy in the beard or the blue guy with a flute, he looked dumbstruck.He always did.
I shared my stuff with people,i watched less tv and i did my lessons well too while my friends watched too much cartoon and didnt share stuff.I was sure that they were going to regret it.Months passed without anything happening to them.Ofcourse,the teacher used to make them stand outside class for not completing homework,but then at the end of the day they'd get away without completing homework or attending the boring class.This i found to be unfair.

I made all attempts to meet god.I looked him up in the attic after hearing people in the house claiming everyday about someone from above watching.I checked them up on facebook too.Though i found a lot of men with the name,none of them were the color i was looking for.
This was about the time i started to have my doubts on the existence of god,i nor anybody i've ever known had met the man.I still had faith.until i got my math exam results.I had prayed to half a dozen gods whose pictures were hung onto the wall at home.According to my math,i was hoping to be one of the toppers.I was supposed to do my half and god was to take care of the rest.I hadnt done mine,but i had prayed to 6 of them.My math was bad.In both cases.

Being an atheist i must admit,is pretty cool.All you have to do is avoid or maybe just classify "OMG" to be a figure of speech.People take you to be some sort of a genius if your an atheist.You can do what you want to,for people dont consider you to have a morale whatsoever!

You can call yourself a logical person even if you dont have much of the uncommon common sense.Its like walking around with a license to kill.However,if one decides to turn into an
atheist,he is most likely to be tagged a communist too.Every communist could be an atheist,but i dont think the reverse quite works.But,its like that Kinder Joy chocolate,you cannot possibly get the chocolate or the toy seperately!
If an atheist decides to grow a beard and have long hair,hed be labelled a hippy.And if by any chance,the bloke is an artist he'd be called a druggie too.

Being an atheist and an artist,my parents are really worried as to how i would raise a kid.Im not really bothered.I dont think il even find a woman in the first place,but my parents,faith i'd say.Fate i mean!

Cheers :)
The Chauvinist

THE CHAUVINIST - by The Feminist

Everything happens for reason. And I have finally figured the reason out. It’s to piss me off! My future seems bleak and all my plans seem to be directionless at the moment. I have no money and no humorous friends around to keep me company. And the weather here is so hot that I might as well be living in a green house mansion. No matter how many inspirational quotes and philosophical books I read, I just can’t seem to make any sense out of them. So my dear readers, I have chosen you to listen to all my endless ranting, for I know you won’t judge me. For the very simple reason that you don’t know me.

And in these moments of utter loneliness and depression, I realized that I have spent 20 years of my life learning how to impress strangers, being nice to them and trying to prove to them how nice I am, I forgot to impress the most important person in my life -  me.

But you see the problem is, after so many years of ignoring me, how the hell do I start loving me? And this is where comes into my life a guy who proudly claims to be a male chauvinist. This person would without fail let you pay whole of the bill without even pretending to be a gentleman which in itself defies the law that has been in action from the time of the ancient Greek gods! This person would blame you for global warming just because you use more than one bucket of water to take bath each day! (if one of you can, please do explain to me how these two things are connected!!! O.0 )  This person would argue with you about everything and everything because annoying you is his one and only means of entertainment.

And amidst all this fighting and trying to defend myself, I realize that I am actually capable of seeing a brighter side of me and that it makes me learn more about myself. So all of these male chauvinists might look like smelly fishes, but beneath all the scales, there lies a truly noble sentiment. Whether they know it or not,  still needs to be researched upon. 

The feminist!

BEING WHO MAN? by The Chauvinist

While the youth around does so much to the society by wearing  tshirts that say INDIA AGAINST CORRUPTION or BEING HUMAN,here I am smoking american blend and wearing funny beer quote tshirts.I'd be damned!
Here in bombay,every second guy wears a BEING HUMAN tshirt,the clothing line is owned by a celebrity who has charges against him for running his car over a man  shooting a rare species animal and the list just goes on.
Whenever I see a guy wearing a Being Human Tshirt,i have an urge to punch him in the face and see blood gush out of his nose,but apparently every Being Human man is the size of Hanuman.

Offlate another celebrity has kickstarted a tv show that spotlights evil in the society.
The man definitely has a seat reserved in heaven,if not he'd buy one,there should be plenty of money left from the 30 million he earns from each episode.

Last time I was home,i caught my folks addicted to this reality show on a regional channel.
The format is quite simple,an old actor would play the negotiator in a verbal fight between couples on the brink of  divorce.There would also be a panel consisting of retired judges to spice up the whole thing.Few of my own folks were crying looking at the plight of some woman who was fighting to get her husband back from his mistress.
Sad situation,but I dont get why she or anybody for that matter would come on tv to share their problems.Its as lame as watching pornography with your whole family.My folks however,lost interest soon, the show they claimed lacked variety.

I had to deal with a client who wanted photographs of the city.Being the struggling artist I am,i went around for days with my gear and went back in with about 30 photographs.
The man had issues with my work.He claimed that my work conveyed just happiness.The man said he could get the editorial done as soon as I got him some variety.Begging handicapped people for instance.The editorial never happened.

I once made the mistake of tossing a few coins to a child who was begging.I usually dont do such a thing.But I had seen him look at kid walking out of a store with an ice cream cone.The kid all excited rushed in to get one while I went about doing my photography.In about 20 minutes,the kid had come back with about a dozen other friends of his and was demanding more money.I stood there looking at him and doubting whether i'd wet my pants.I was lucky enough to be spotted by the other photographer who had gone with me and she came in and sent the kids away.

The only time I felt the urge to attend an event for a social cause was when a female celebrity decided to strip.I didnt know what the cause was,but neither did the others who showed up.The event unfortunately didnt happen.I heard somebody say later that the celebrity didnt show up because she didnt have anything to wear to the event!Now that,I found to be a very lame excuse.

Cheers :)

The Chauvinist

DAD AND THE iPAD by the Chauvinist.

Everytime my dad comes to me for figuring out what a particular button does on his phone or tab,i'd secretly laugh out loud at him.Thats probably the only  time when i get to feel superior to him.I'd even make him wait at times,just so to take revenge for all the occasions he made me wait to get the remote,change the bloody news channel to put on Tom and Jerry. 

I was the tech guru back in my childhood.I could tweak and fix software issues on most computers and customize cellphones for all my uncles and aunts.

The good days came to an end with my kiddo cousin growing up.He's way too smarter than I am at things.He can figure out any damn gadget in a matter of minutes.

While i was walking around with my DSLR the last time i was home,he decided to stick around and watch me.Aware of the fact that he was eyeing me,i tried to make it look much complicated than it actually is.I changed my exposure a couple of times,played around with the scroll only to revert it back and take the shot.

After the shot I put on Mark Walhbergs' look from the movie Shooter and made it look as if i had just shot a president.

He walked to me and asked me if he could shoot with the DSLR,I was convinced that operating this would be a blow to the tech guru image he had stolen from me and happily handed over the camera.

He walked around for a while and came back with shots,the shots were compositionally wrong,but then he had managed to get the shots without any technical mistakes.The exposures were just right and the shots were steady. I said nothing and packed my gear.

I remember breaking my head over some setting on my phone that i couldn't tweak.Convinced that i couldn't solve it myself,i took it to the in house genius.He didn't quite like being disturbed during his daily dose of Cartoon shows.A  blue fat cat from japan was fighting the bad guys while i decided to wait.He solved my problem soon as the cat went away.

The new cartoons i must say lack quality and charm.All the new cartoons have people beating up each other and blowing things up!If you happen to see the new Tom and Jerry,you'd actually consider throwing the TV out of the window.The new tom and jerry look as if they've got typhoid and diabetes respectively.

The bloke who called the tv an idiot box,was an actual idiot. Tv was fun back then.Not anymore.

I grew up with my parents telling me every now and then about how they grew up without a TV or a computer and climbed trees or plucked fruits as kids.They'd play this card everytime i switched on my PC to game,this would put me in a situation.Growing up in a city that had trees only in public parks or between roads,i really couldnt climb trees even if i wanted to.My friend suggested that i tell them this,but after all they grew up without a TV or a computer, i didnt want to hurt their feelings.I actually felt bad for them.

However,their words made me realize a big trouble that was to come right at me.They could buy sympathy from me because they grew up without a computer or tv,but what am i going to do when i have a kid.Apparently,I did grow up with a tv,computer,gaming console,cellphone and a music player.I had even bought myself a DSLR in high school!!

I'd have to stand with my head down in front of my kid when he decides to switch on his gaming console every evening!I don't really know if there would be yet another revolutionary evolution of technology like the one that has been happening in the last 20 years or so.

I haven't lost all hope I must admit.If the rumors of the world coming to an  end is true,i'd be able to save myself from the embarrassment i'd have to go through with my kid.I wouldn't actually mind if we have to start right again from the stone age after 2012.I could cherish the days of the iPad and make my kid jealous!


Cheers :)

The Chauvinist