I have a friend who cooks pretty well. Though i enjoy her food, i've never actually complimented her skills just so i dont hurt the male chauvinist in me.
Even with my least appreciative attitude,she'd call me over whenever she found time to cook something that she tore out of a weekly or something.
The dishes would mostly be exotic.Now,exotic means two things to me-it would have a name that I wouldnt be able to pronounce even if I took french classes for over a 100 years & the quantum of food on the plate wouldnt be enough to fill the tiniest of cats even after the third serving.The latter is what bothers me the most as Im used to people who call me over when they probably get a crate of beer and tonnes of junk food.
The dinner would mostly start with wine and end with a dessert as against the beer and marlboro tradition im used to with my folks.
She,being the Connoisseur would sip the wine and let her taste buds tell her the history of the wine while i'd be trying hard to recall the google search I did a couple of hours back on holding the spoon and fork correctly.I'd wait for her to pick up hers and follow suit so that i dont end up confusing her as well.As the main course progresses she'd fill me in on the history of the dish and i'd be contemplating on whether a third serving would fill me.
With my only knowledge on the topic of food being eating,i'd have pretty much nothing to say on such occasions and would continue doing what i know best.
Things were pretty fine until the day she decided to ask me about my favourite dishes.I wasn't sure as to whether she was expecting to hear Kerala Paratha and Beef fry,but i certainly wouldnt change my tastes for a woman that i wouldnt even try to flirt with.
The incident sort of hurt my ego and i decided to follow cookery shows on Tv.Im used to listening cluelessly to guys swearing at each other over some Real MAD beating some ARSE a nail everytime i step out for coffee or a smoke!Now that i watch tv,I started to tell them how Jennie and Sussy got eliminated after they overspiced their Thai Chicken Soup and failed to please the judges.They'd give me a look,stare at each other and take a step away from me.
With hours of Tv shows,i totally forgot the sole purpose of watching them and was getting emotionally involved with the participants.
However,i figured a way to tackle the problem.I'd call her up earlier and cunningly enquire as to what she was going to be cooking for dinner,
I'd google the dish and find out the details so that i would have something to open my mouth for other than eating at the table.Alas!it worked! But the second time it didnt go well as i ended up memorizing details for an entirely different dish as this particular dish spelled totally different from the pronounciation as it was French or Braile or something.
With my wrong pronounciation of the dishes and elaborate explanation,she was impressed and thats exactly when i wished for the ground to crack and take me right to hell as she now wanted me to cook it for her!
The next morning,she asked me to jot down all the ingredients that i would need to cook.I sat down with a Pen and Paper,it was just like that day in school when the teacher decides to give u an undeclared test when you dont even remember her name or what subject she teaches.(They used to call it a 'Surprise' test in my school,i still havent figured out why,because for me a surprise is always a pleasent one!Unlike finidng a dead body in your car trunk or your boxers in the oven.)
There was no getting away,i had to cook.I was certain that i wouldn't be able to pull off the dish when i couldnt even pronounce it right!
So,I decided to tag along with her for shopping.
The Greengrocery section is particulary something i hate.Women would be all over the place.If you decide to be a gentleman and give the poor old lady behindyou a chance to pick out the tomatoes from the box,you'd be standing there the whole day waiting and finally when you do get your turn you'd be left with an empty box apart from the rotten tomatoes,while the neighborhood enjoys warm tomato soup.
I had all the vegetables that looked pleasing to the eye,the attendant warned me about a carrot being bad,but i ignored,it looked brilliant to me,the color tone was just perfect,he probably had to get his eyes checked.
My vegetables made absolute sense.Atleast to me.
Once we got back,I poured myself a drink and decided to put on the apron. I started off chopping vegetables while the meat defroze.
I put in some art into this task as well,there was absolute symmetry in every chop.You could create a million brilliant patterns with them,look at it and hallucinate.I was feeling like an actual chef.For a second i even considered switching my profession.
Soon she appeared in the kitchen after having changed and sat on the platform sipping on the single malt whisky.This was making the chef in me very uncomfortable for i knew she could tell that i couldnt cook for shit.
So I somehow convinced her to go watch Tv.
Without her in the kitchen,i was getting back onto feeling like a chef again.
After having cooked the meat and vegetables with whatever ingredients i could lay my eyes on,i was able to get a good looking gravy.
It was'nt tasting bad,not good either.But after all,its an exotic dish,its just gotta have a weird name and has to be served in such a manner that you would have to wash just half the plate after finishing.
After the artistic plating i called her in.She came in and looked at it.She put on a smile and decided to put it on the table while i prepared the salad.While i turned around to my chopped vegetables to get started i heard something shatter.I rushed to the Dining hall.She had fallen for my cooking!she was flat on the floor along with the shattered plates and my art.I stood still.At that point,though an atheist i actually believed there is God and i thanked him for avoiding the bigger disaster that was to come.I picked up all thats on the floor and dropped it into the garbage except her.I dont know if she had intentionally dropped the plates and simply laid down on the floor,if so,u just saved yourself from a lot of medication my friend.
Cheers! :)
The Chauvinist
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