THE CHAUVINIST - by The Feminist

Everything happens for reason. And I have finally figured the reason out. It’s to piss me off! My future seems bleak and all my plans seem to be directionless at the moment. I have no money and no humorous friends around to keep me company. And the weather here is so hot that I might as well be living in a green house mansion. No matter how many inspirational quotes and philosophical books I read, I just can’t seem to make any sense out of them. So my dear readers, I have chosen you to listen to all my endless ranting, for I know you won’t judge me. For the very simple reason that you don’t know me.

And in these moments of utter loneliness and depression, I realized that I have spent 20 years of my life learning how to impress strangers, being nice to them and trying to prove to them how nice I am, I forgot to impress the most important person in my life -  me.

But you see the problem is, after so many years of ignoring me, how the hell do I start loving me? And this is where comes into my life a guy who proudly claims to be a male chauvinist. This person would without fail let you pay whole of the bill without even pretending to be a gentleman which in itself defies the law that has been in action from the time of the ancient Greek gods! This person would blame you for global warming just because you use more than one bucket of water to take bath each day! (if one of you can, please do explain to me how these two things are connected!!! O.0 )  This person would argue with you about everything and everything because annoying you is his one and only means of entertainment.

And amidst all this fighting and trying to defend myself, I realize that I am actually capable of seeing a brighter side of me and that it makes me learn more about myself. So all of these male chauvinists might look like smelly fishes, but beneath all the scales, there lies a truly noble sentiment. Whether they know it or not,  still needs to be researched upon. 

The feminist!

BEING WHO MAN? by The Chauvinist

While the youth around does so much to the society by wearing  tshirts that say INDIA AGAINST CORRUPTION or BEING HUMAN,here I am smoking american blend and wearing funny beer quote tshirts.I'd be damned!
Here in bombay,every second guy wears a BEING HUMAN tshirt,the clothing line is owned by a celebrity who has charges against him for running his car over a man  shooting a rare species animal and the list just goes on.
Whenever I see a guy wearing a Being Human Tshirt,i have an urge to punch him in the face and see blood gush out of his nose,but apparently every Being Human man is the size of Hanuman.

Offlate another celebrity has kickstarted a tv show that spotlights evil in the society.
The man definitely has a seat reserved in heaven,if not he'd buy one,there should be plenty of money left from the 30 million he earns from each episode.

Last time I was home,i caught my folks addicted to this reality show on a regional channel.
The format is quite simple,an old actor would play the negotiator in a verbal fight between couples on the brink of  divorce.There would also be a panel consisting of retired judges to spice up the whole thing.Few of my own folks were crying looking at the plight of some woman who was fighting to get her husband back from his mistress.
Sad situation,but I dont get why she or anybody for that matter would come on tv to share their problems.Its as lame as watching pornography with your whole family.My folks however,lost interest soon, the show they claimed lacked variety.

I had to deal with a client who wanted photographs of the city.Being the struggling artist I am,i went around for days with my gear and went back in with about 30 photographs.
The man had issues with my work.He claimed that my work conveyed just happiness.The man said he could get the editorial done as soon as I got him some variety.Begging handicapped people for instance.The editorial never happened.

I once made the mistake of tossing a few coins to a child who was begging.I usually dont do such a thing.But I had seen him look at kid walking out of a store with an ice cream cone.The kid all excited rushed in to get one while I went about doing my photography.In about 20 minutes,the kid had come back with about a dozen other friends of his and was demanding more money.I stood there looking at him and doubting whether i'd wet my pants.I was lucky enough to be spotted by the other photographer who had gone with me and she came in and sent the kids away.

The only time I felt the urge to attend an event for a social cause was when a female celebrity decided to strip.I didnt know what the cause was,but neither did the others who showed up.The event unfortunately didnt happen.I heard somebody say later that the celebrity didnt show up because she didnt have anything to wear to the event!Now that,I found to be a very lame excuse.

Cheers :)

The Chauvinist

DAD AND THE iPAD by the Chauvinist.

Everytime my dad comes to me for figuring out what a particular button does on his phone or tab,i'd secretly laugh out loud at him.Thats probably the only  time when i get to feel superior to him.I'd even make him wait at times,just so to take revenge for all the occasions he made me wait to get the remote,change the bloody news channel to put on Tom and Jerry. 

I was the tech guru back in my childhood.I could tweak and fix software issues on most computers and customize cellphones for all my uncles and aunts.

The good days came to an end with my kiddo cousin growing up.He's way too smarter than I am at things.He can figure out any damn gadget in a matter of minutes.

While i was walking around with my DSLR the last time i was home,he decided to stick around and watch me.Aware of the fact that he was eyeing me,i tried to make it look much complicated than it actually is.I changed my exposure a couple of times,played around with the scroll only to revert it back and take the shot.

After the shot I put on Mark Walhbergs' look from the movie Shooter and made it look as if i had just shot a president.

He walked to me and asked me if he could shoot with the DSLR,I was convinced that operating this would be a blow to the tech guru image he had stolen from me and happily handed over the camera.

He walked around for a while and came back with shots,the shots were compositionally wrong,but then he had managed to get the shots without any technical mistakes.The exposures were just right and the shots were steady. I said nothing and packed my gear.

I remember breaking my head over some setting on my phone that i couldn't tweak.Convinced that i couldn't solve it myself,i took it to the in house genius.He didn't quite like being disturbed during his daily dose of Cartoon shows.A  blue fat cat from japan was fighting the bad guys while i decided to wait.He solved my problem soon as the cat went away.

The new cartoons i must say lack quality and charm.All the new cartoons have people beating up each other and blowing things up!If you happen to see the new Tom and Jerry,you'd actually consider throwing the TV out of the window.The new tom and jerry look as if they've got typhoid and diabetes respectively.

The bloke who called the tv an idiot box,was an actual idiot. Tv was fun back then.Not anymore.

I grew up with my parents telling me every now and then about how they grew up without a TV or a computer and climbed trees or plucked fruits as kids.They'd play this card everytime i switched on my PC to game,this would put me in a situation.Growing up in a city that had trees only in public parks or between roads,i really couldnt climb trees even if i wanted to.My friend suggested that i tell them this,but after all they grew up without a TV or a computer, i didnt want to hurt their feelings.I actually felt bad for them.

However,their words made me realize a big trouble that was to come right at me.They could buy sympathy from me because they grew up without a computer or tv,but what am i going to do when i have a kid.Apparently,I did grow up with a tv,computer,gaming console,cellphone and a music player.I had even bought myself a DSLR in high school!!

I'd have to stand with my head down in front of my kid when he decides to switch on his gaming console every evening!I don't really know if there would be yet another revolutionary evolution of technology like the one that has been happening in the last 20 years or so.

I haven't lost all hope I must admit.If the rumors of the world coming to an  end is true,i'd be able to save myself from the embarrassment i'd have to go through with my kid.I wouldn't actually mind if we have to start right again from the stone age after 2012.I could cherish the days of the iPad and make my kid jealous!


Cheers :)

The Chauvinist

THE BALD AND THE BEAUTIFUL by the Chauvinist

After having watched Quentin Tarantinos Pulp Fiction,I wanted to be a contract killer.However,my dad didn't quite get my job description.I failed to convince him I must admit.I was still friends with the fat guy with thick specs who had poked me on my rear with a compass.So people had their doubts as to why I was hell bent about being a contract killer.
I was pretty convinced about the fact that real men were killing people.Eastwood,Connery,Stallone,Arnold Schezwan nigger(or however thats spelled) everybody.One way or the other they all were doing the same thing ,killing.
I had to grow up to be a high school boy to realize that my dream wasnt quite possible.
Most of the guys where athletes or into some kind sport.This gave them shape and me shame,i wasnt part of any.I could beat somebody at ludo or even monopoly,but running behind a ball with a dozen other people who have muscles you could BBQ on sunday and still have leftovers till next weekend wasnt happening at all.
I assured myself that sports was the real deal.I felt nothing close to a man.The only people I could connect with in a game were the cheergirls.Both them and I were doing pretty much the same thing,ofcourse I wasnt wearing miniskirts.
My belief lasted till the guys team lost to the girls team in the finals.

I started to take karate classes to finally get the feeling of doing something manly.
I spent most of my weekends watching Martial arts movies and trying them out in front of a mirror.I was all set to become bruce lee,it'd take a month or so I knew,but then I was finally going to be a real man.Bruce never happened,it was all bruises.Apparently there were more women taking self defence classes than men.The assault demos would require the guys in the class to be rapists or psychos trying to assault women.This was ofcourse a hypothetical situation,but my female partner didnt think so.
I wasnt surprised as to why men turn into psychos.

When every bloke started to get 6 pacs,i was tempted too.I rang up a friend who already had one(or six.) and decided to meet him for coffee.
He started off with workout sessions and supplements.It didnt seem all that hard.He then went onto the diet plan,i asked for the check.

I then took up smoking,that was manly.I was liking it.It wasnt all that hard. I started to take green tea as well,i had read in a magazine about the benefits of antioxidants for smokers.The very next issue mentioned how smoking affects the sperm count,I quit.

Eventually I got the manliness mantra.Baldness it is.A real man would go bald.
Scientifically right too.
Clint Eastwood is bald,so is hard to die man Bruce Willis.Connery,Jason Statham,Vin Diesel,Steve Jobs,all the real men!
I have a hairline thats depriciating like the pre android phones in the market.Im getting manlier by the day!
My long haired guy friend wasnt pleased at all.He brought up Jackie Chan.He claimed none of the bald men could do what Chan does .True,exactly why I dont consider him human.


Cheers :)

The Chauvinist

WHO’S THE MAN?   by the feminist

Just recently, as a result of boredom,   I was eavesdropping on my cousin while he was happily reciting all those cheesy lines from cheap novels to his girlfriend, or as he might say ‘his one and only white swan’.  After five minutes of eagerly pressing my ear to his bedroom door in the hopes of finding something to blackmail him later and failing, I was about to forget the mission and go to sleep when suddenly, I heard something unbelievable.

My brother was giggling. Yes! Giggling like a little school girl. Now this wouldn’t have come as a surprise if only he wasn’t so adamant on acting like a tough dude all the time. Of course, when I asked him about it, he first denied it and then reluctantly admitted to it insisting it be a called a ‘manly giggle’ for that is what it was.

Men aren’t genetically disallowed to giggle, cry or lay their emotions out on a platter.  But as soon as they do, we label them gay. The society forces them to shove all of their emotions into a dark cave and trap them inside. Therefore, not their will but rather, people around them influence their actions.

If somebody tells me to be myself, I would definitely throw a rock at their face because the moment you start being yourself, someone somewhere will start digging a grave for you… or rather, you would start digging your own grave.

This is a fact that men all around know. They might be spotted wearing light eye makeup and straightened hair in countries like Japan and South Korea, and girls will surely swoon over them. But the moment they step out, they will start wearing baggy jeans and cool shirts for the fear of being counted under the same head as Justin Beiber. Not to offend his fans, but come on! Would you rather call him pretty or handsome?

Calling someone a man is all about what culture we belong to. So next time you spot a guy wearing a skinny clothes and mascara and labeling him gay, stop a while before saying, he’s not a man…

The Feminist                                                    

HALOO by the chauvinist.

My friendship circle has a very small radius.My cousin in grade 2 probably has more friends.Ofcourse he is as stubborn and annoying as yours,but he can name all the players in the cricket team.
Somehow,I fail to posses respect for the tradition of cricket worship in my country.This unfortunately,has a lot of consequences.
Everytime i go to a gathering,i'd have to pour myself a drink and sit with a bunch of Men who stare at,eh,goats.

Sit and stalk women,thats pretty much all I'd do at a party.Not that I was complaining,but after a while you start to lose interest,especially when most of the women present are triple your size,twice your age or have boyfriends who look like they've come out of The Expendables movie.

I was itching to make friends.I considered walking upto a group and squeezing into their talk.I had done that once,the gentleman were busy talking about how certain rules of the game should be altered when I jumped in and stated how unfair the buckminister rule is,only later to realize that it was actually called the duckward lewis method.They got to know that i didnt know either of the two and I ended up losing the title of the genius/intellectual I had earned by staying away from the common man's conversation.

The situation demanded me to formulate a new strategy to make friends.After an hour, a couple of drinks and a "Eureka" I headed to the loo.
People talk about how they make friends at the bar,spa and theater.A world full of strangers and I was in a loo to make friends.
My first victim walked in and headed to a pot.I decided to go up to one that was a few away from his.I greeted him and we kickstarted a conversation.He was a good talker and pretty brainy too.Soon there was a problem.I had finished leaking,but he hadnt.This put in a dilemma,you wouldnt leave a friend at a dinner table when he isnt done,but then how long can you linger around for?
After washing our hands we shook them and I asked him to carry on as I had more people to meet.I spoke with a lot of men,and the last friend I made for the day was the washroom cleaner whom I had brought into a conversation by intentionally toppling the trash bin over.
I was convinced that the only method to possibly meet everybody at a party was to stay in the loo.I was on the top of the world for inventing this fabulous technique.I felt like Mark Zuckerberg.
The bubble burst soon as I opened the mens door to see the womens' door right across.

Ever since,I've been trying to develop a technique to make friends with women,but I havent made much of progress I must admit.
My technique I should say works only with men.This is because a guy wanting to use the loo would excuse himself and walk into one,whereas a woman would go to her girlfriend and then the friend would call her friend and then there would be a dozen chics giggling all the way to the washroom,like a bunch of annoying schoolgirls on a field trip. Offlate I've been working hard to tweak my technique to tackle the issue.The biggest obstacle however is that I dont know what a womens' room looks like.I've never been to one,not as yet.

Cheers :)
The Chauvinist

OF BUGS & INSECTS by the feminist

Of Bugs & Insects… 

Do you hate home cooked food, prefer to eat oily junk food 5 times a week and still not get a pouchy tummy? If you can, then congratulations! Give yourselves a pat on the back and relax, for you are most definitely the teenage college group who have been given the supernatural power to do nothing but eat tons and tons of food and still not be a victim to the dreaded ‘ salad diet’ syndrome. And if you are, then I’m sure your wives and girlfriends have already said everything there is to say and will I save you further embarrassment and not comment on the one pack muscles that you are the proud owner of.

I bet all of us at one point or the other have narrated a very fascinating and interesting tale of how much we are capable of gulping down our throats without choking on it in one go. And our friends have looked at us with admiration and maybe if you look closely, even a few jealous looks. That is the moment when we resemble that character from the Scooby dooby show.  Of course not the dog, I meant shaggy, the tall thin guy with the eating capacity of a gorilla, remember? Tap your - hidden from the world – cartoon network side of the brain and you would know it to be true.

So once you’ve stumbled across the fact that junk food tastes far better than home cooked low fat, low cholesterol, low everything food; you would without fail try to distract your mom from cooking and take her out by buttering her with all kinds of honey coated words.

However, I’m sure your view would change as soon as you are forced to eat the food that they serve in the mess, which is if you are ever unlucky enough to go away from home and land up in a hostel in the middle of nowhere. Personally, by the way they chop vegetables, I think they must be meat butchers before this job and were punished and forced to cook for us. And the utensils they serve you food in would undoubtedly be cleaner if you give it to a cat to lick it. And then right when you make up your mind and sit down to eat… BOOM! You would suddenly notice that you are meant to share it with another creature that you find struggling inside the curry. If this isn’t already enough, some of the days, you might even know precisely the length and the texture of the cook’s precious hair.

The sole person that gains anything out of this is your mom. Because next time she prepares bacon for you at home, you would be grateful and eat it with a big smile on your face!

The Feminist.